I grew up in the “wonderful” era of Wonder bread, Velveeta cheese and convenience foods. My mom, although a good cook, embraced the ease of canned sauce and canned peas (a story for another time) when she worked a full-time job.
At 17 I hiked to the top of a local mountain with 2 friends on New Years Day. They brought the meal-crusty French bread, cheddar cheese and a bottle of wine. It was amazing. Real food. I was hooked.
I got into “back to our roots” unprocessed food. I started cooking from scratch. My dream was to learn to make bread. Not the frozen loaves from the store, but real “mix it and knead and rise it first” bread.
On a visit to my grandmother and great aunt in Ohio that following summer I learned that Aunt Dale made bread! What!?!! and that she would be happy to teach me. It was an extremely satisfying experience. It changed my life. I was now a capable pioneer woman, I could make bread!
Over the years I have made hundreds of loaves. It has served me well, raising children, teaching my daughter to bake, furnishing others with gifts of homemade bread. What I didn’t anticipate as a teenager was the joy that giving homemade bread would give me.
The thing about making bread-If you embrace the process you gain as much or more than you give. Feeling the dough go from dry and crumbly to smooth and elastic from the work of your hands. Ignoring your aching arms to give the dough a few more kneads and turns. Watching the dough grow to twice it’s size and the smell of the bread baking! It was extremely gratifying to bring the brown loaves out of the oven. And the taste of butter melting on the warm hunk of bread! It’s definitely a labor and gift of love.
As I started to give it away I found that I had gained a somewhat novel gift to delight others with. And that made me very happy.
This month more than others our focus is on gifting. When we peel away the stress of overbooking ourselves, the worrying over the “perfect” gift and the other pressures we put on ourselves we find joy in discovering ways to delight those we care about. Giving gifts, giving experiences, surprises, giving to strangers. Our hearts are more open, our minds more engaged in giving than in ourselves. And it changes things.
Studies on the neurobiology of giving have been conducted. It turns out that when we practice generosity our brain rewards us with happy endorphins. which have many benefits to our mental, emotional and physical health.
“Giving can stimulate our brain’s mesolimbic pathway, or reward center boosting self-esteem, elevating happiness and combating feelings of depression.”
In the act of giving or helping others these brain chemicals are released:
• Seratonin-a mood regulator
• Dopamine-a pleasure endorphin
• Oxytocin-creating a sense of connection with others
Effects on our physical health when we give:
• Lower blood pressure
• Lower stress levels
• Longer life span
• Better heart health
So there’s a reason we feel good when we do something for someone else! Who knew??
Apparently Jesus did when he told the crowds that we get more joy by giving than by receiving. It was a novel thought at the time, like so much of what he said. Seems he had inside information.
Most of us are engaged in periodic gifting to others-Christmas, birthdays. What about establishing a daily habit of giving-something. It can take a small effort to give generously to someone else with a huge impact on them and us.
Sometimes the greatest gift we can give someone is to let them know that we see them. That they are not invisible. That they are significant. Even strangers.
I will never forget this experience:
I passed her on my way out of Costco. She was standing, waiting at the optical counter. She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail, little to no make-up on, not well-dressed and not a Barbie figure. By her posture and her demeanor she did not strike me as someone who thought she was “all that”. Yet her face seemed to glow with an understated beauty. She was stunning. I was almost to the door when I decided to turn around and go tell her. As I got close to her she thought she was in my way and apologized and stepped back.
Me: No, I want to tell you something.
She looked at me.
Me: "You are incredibly beautiful."
You would think I had thrown ice water in her face. She suddenly and abruptly came to life
“Oh, oh, you have no idea what that means to me” She reeled and righted herself. “Oh, thank you”
Me: "I hope you know that."
“Thank you, thank you." Pause. Was she starting to believe it? I smiled at her.
Her-“I hope you have a wonderful day, Thank you, you’ve made my day”
As I left Costco I had a huge smile on my face and in my heart. A man in the parking lot noticed my smile and did a double take. I wanted to shout, “I just made someone’s day!”
A woman I worked with years ago had a Mother-in-Law who knew the gift of words. Every year for Christmas each family member got a card to open on Christmas that went into detail about how much they had meant to her the past year. She detailed the specifics that she appreciated about them. Opening her cards was the highlight of Christmas for each of them.
While Aunt Dale and I were waiting for the bread to rise that long ago summer day, then rise again and bake there was a lot of time to hear her stories. She told me about telling her son when he was little that the best gift was giving someone what you would like to have. So for Christmas he gave her a football. And she let him play with it.
I was reminded of that when my grandson gave me a children’s game one year for Christmas. He was so excited to give it to me. I was thrilled. We played it together and laughed together. What a gift.
When a gift is truly a gift-freely given without obligation it communicates caring and often love. And isn’t that what we all really want? To know we are seen, that we are loved and appreciated. To know that we matter and that the world would be worse off without us in it.
Not just on special days but any day will do.
In giving we receive and in receiving with gratitude we give.
In this season when we celebrate the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, the greatest gift humans could ever receive I wish for you this love. To give it and receive it all year.
A memorable Christmas to you,
Linda
Is this a difficult season for you? Do you avoid conversations about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans and other holidays?
There is anticipation it seems everywhere, food, travel, family, loving gatherings with laughter and excitement from people who know they have a seat at the table. They are wanted and welcome.
But what if that isn’t you? Maybe you are separated from family by either geographical or emotional distance. Friends are gathering with family and you are on your own. It can be a time when loneliness is magnified by the gatherings of others. By the memories and expectations of the Holidays. Many are going through this.
We may not be able to change our circumstances but we can change our perspective and change the way we experience the circumstance.
Some thoughts that I hope will offer some help:
• Sadley, a good number of families gathering for the Holidays are gathering out of obligation. They dread being together. Celebrate your freedom to spend the Holiday as you like, free of obligation.
• Find a way to give, to be a comfort to someone else
• Seek out other singles to share a meal with
• Plan a special day for yourself-a day on the coast or in the mountains, make it your own non-traditional Holiday full of things you enjoy. Celebrate the goodness of the Holiday in a way that is special to you.
Next year could be very different. Look for the silver lining in the aloneness. Resist the voices that tell you that you are rejected, unwanted and unworthy. Remind yourself of Whose you are.
None of us made ourselves. You are God’s creation and he sees you in your pain. Choosing him means that there is always a seat at his table for you. With your name on it. You are desired and welcomed with open arms.
Find that place of being desired and cherished in his presence. Sit with him and allow his comfort to fall over you, his Spirit of love to fill you and give you peace. It is real and it is yours, it is your creator’s pleasure to give it to you.
Feel free to share this post, we never know who may be experiencing deeper loneliness at this time.
The 2024 election is over and most of the results are in. We have or we haven’t done what we deemed important to get our choices passed, our people elected. Some of us are happy with the results of the presidential pick and some are not. It is doubtful that any of us are happy with each choice that was made in this election.
What now? The divide that started long ago in our politics is even deeper in the aftermath. Let’s resist the temptation to blame one party, one candidate for this. Both sides are guilty. And we are guilty. How so?
While opinions and often strong ones are a sign of caring about issues, about what is right and good and being passionate about what we believe, when we shift from a stance of thinking of someone as having different opinions to regarding them as a bad person and writing them off- that’s where the division comes in. And we “cut off our nose to spite our face”.
The motto of our founding fathers-E pluribus Unum-out of many, one. Unity in diversity.
America is a country of very diverse people, most of whom love their families, help their neighbors and the stranger and want to live freely and prosperously. We can learn from our differing opinions and find solutions in maintaining connection and respect.
With the divisiveness and anger and insults that have bombarded us it has been easy to get caught up in it. Blaming, criticizing sometimes even hatred. Fear of the consequences if our candidates didn’t win . These emotions, even on a small scale effect our mental and emotional well-being.
Some things to consider. Before we distance ourselves from someone based soley on their political choices, can we try being curious? Why do they think the way they do? They may have reasons that will surprise us.
We listen to different news and we hear different things. Different information that is presented as truth. Without fact checking we can and do believe lies. On both sides.
And we hear the same things differently. What you hear as A I may hear as M or Z. It’s not intentional but often just different ways we associate words and meanings.
Some suggestions:
• Be curious, ask questions to get understanding. Not to make or win an argument.
• Be kind, be generous
• Fact check to separate the truth from the lies.
• Stand for what we believe is right while respecting others’ opinions
• Resist the temptation to demonize those who disagree with us
• Ask yourself, “Is it more important for me to win an argument or to maintain relationship?”
• Hatred begets hatred. Kindness and generosity begets the same.
Braver Angels is an organization that started in 2016 with a handful of people who were troubled by the political divide that was happening. Today they have grown to thousands of volunteers across the country working to bridge the divide through workshops, training, newsletters and more. Their mission is worth including here
"The Braver Angels Way
We state our views freely and fully, without fear.
We treat people who disagree with us with honesty, dignity and respect.
We welcome opportunities to engage those with whom we disagree.
We believe all of us have blind spots and none of us are not worth talking to.
We seek to disagree accurately, avoiding exaggeration and stereotypes.
We look for common ground where it exists and, if possible, find ways to work together.
We believe that, in disagreements, both sides share and learn.
In Braver Angels, neither side is teaching the other or giving feedback on how to think or say things differently."
The Holidays are coming with opportunities to share a table with family and friends that we don’t agree with. Braver Angels has great tips for civility in relationships in the midst of disagreement. On their website are links to their podcasts, workshops, newsletters and more.
We have real enemies and it’s not each other. We need differing opinions-in our relationships and in our government. We can learn and grow from those with different thoughts. Are there real dangers lurking? Yes. But we need to see clearly, not through exaggeration, not trying to prove others wrong.
We can’t always change government leaders or laws or how policies effect us. But we can choose how we think about each other. By choosing grace and curiosity over judgement, prioritizing connection over division and hope over fear we care for our own mental health and that of others.
As we process the effects of the election and head into the holidays there are many stressors that can effect our mental health. If you would like to work with me one on one I am offering special discounted pricing for a 3-session package the rest of November and December.
I have a confession to make. I think time will wait for me. Yes, completely irrational. I look at the clock, and see that I have 10 minutes left to get ready to head out to make my appointment on time. As I complete preparations somehow I think the clock is still at 10 minutes ‘til. Absurd. Time is waiting for me, right? When I am ready then it will be time to go. And the clock and all of life will fall into line for me.
Never happens to you? Hmmm How often are you late? How often do you take on more than you can possibly do in the allotted time? Maybe you procrastinate and put things off until “someday”, fooling yourself into actually thinking you will get to it.
And so life seems to happen To us and we are along for the ride. To live intentionally we need planning, a structure, commitment and a big dose of grace.
When my children were young we had a dog, Wesley. He was a mutt with some setter and dalmation and a sweet disposition who wanted to please. Wesley had been abandoned and rescued by PAWS, where we adopted him. He had separation anxiety as a result and would get very nervous if he was left alone. He would run around the house, getting into everything he could just to use up his nervous energy. We had a scare when he got into the chocolate brownies on the kitchen counter and ate them all.
We learned that keeping him contained helped. We would attach the end of his leash to the inside of the closet door handle and close the door, and attach him to the other end. This kept him with a short distance to move around. His bed was beside the door along with his favorite chew toy.
Being kept within the confines of boundaries gave Wesley a sense of security. He was much calmer. What he at first resisted was actually what he needed.
Like Wesley I find that I need a “short leash” of structure to be most productive. Without a plan I can get very busy while getting nothing done. As much as I can resist it, it is what I need.
Children who grow up with permissive parenting and are not taught clear boundaries are often prone to acting out. They are more likely to have poor time-management skills, depression, anxiety disorders, and other challenges. There is security in knowing their boundaries and having parents who consistently enforce the boundaries.
Boundaries come in different ways. Some are imposed on us and others we create.
I find that time is a reliable boundary. We can’t manufacture more of it. We can’t wish it or think it into being. We can’t deny the passing of it into reality.
So we are left with the task of managing ourselves within the confines of it. The clock is not standing still, time and life will not wait for you or for me.
We are entering the 3rd quarter of the year. We have 3 months left. What would you like to accomplish between now and 2025?
Maybe you’d like to:
- Read a certain amount of books
- Clean out and organize the garage, a closet, your filing system
- Start and stick with a plan to get in better health
- Finish that house project
- Embark on a new career
- Develop a productive habit to replace an unproductive one
- Or…?
Imagine how you would feel if you actually did it. Imagine the impact it could have in your life. It could be the start of a more intentional life that you create.
Ready, Set, Go!
Plan out the big picture. How long do you expect it will take you to complete it?
- Divide it into bite-size pieces.
- Design structure by assigning a day and time for each piece
- Create time boundaries to keep you accountable .
- Build in some cushion for unexpected events and time constraints.
- Check in, measure your progress & how much time you have left to complete it.
- Adjust the size of your bite-sized pieces as needed.
- Stay with it. If you get off track, allow yourself some grace and get back on.
- Stay committed!
Starting “someday” doesn’t work. Someday is now.
Beyond 2024, what would you like to accomplish in the next year, the next 5 or 10 years? With the rest of your life? It is passing. It’s not waiting for you to make up your mind and create a plan.
I would love to know what you are working to accomplish and how you are doing. Leave me comments. Let’s celebrate together!
Time doesn’t care if you keep your promises to yourself. But you will.
It was Good Friday afternoon in Southern California. I was 16 and had spent the day at Newport Beach. My parents were having friends for dinner and I was expected to be there.
Things were always a little tense when my parents were entertaining. Like most of us we want to put our best foot forward. We want to look good and we want our guests to be comfortable and cared for. My dad was especially a stickler for things being just right.
So I knew it was in my best interest to make sure I got home on time. My habit was to underestimate the time it would take me for any given deadline.
As I approached the freeway to go home I was shocked and worried to see the freeway jam-packed. Cars were moving at a snails pace. People getting out of town for the Easter weekend. I was never going to make it.
I noticed that the traffic going in the other direction was moving quite nicely so I decided to get on the freeway in that direction, away from my home.
Okay, I hear you saying “Huh?!!” But I had a plan.
I would get off onto a side road and take back roads or find another freeway going in the right direction that wasn’t so crowded. Mind you this was before cell phones with wonderful voices telling you all the possible ways to get from Point A to Point B. And before Thomas guides, I think. I know I didn’t have one. Just my own very faulty sense of direction and a ton of youthful optimism.
So onto the freeway I went. I was breezing along, getting further from home and finding no alternate routes. I was getting more and more nervous as I realized I was not going to make it home on time. (Where was I anyway?) And that if I didn’t find something soon I was destined to sit even longer in that now longer line of traffic I had tried to avoid.
I finally had to get off the freeway and find a pay phone. Remember, no cell phones to call either, or text. So I had to call home and tell them I would be late and why. I was hoping my mom would answer-another down side of landlines, you never knew who would answer-but alas my dad did. To say the least he was not happy. And he wasn’t buying my story about why I was now 40 miles away from home instead of the 10 miles from the beach. (I think he gave me way too much credit for my decision-making abilities). He assured me there would be more “discussion” when I got home.
The long, slow drive home was one of anticipation of the consequences that awaited me.
When I slithered in the door an hour and a half later I was relieved to find the guests had sweetened my dad’s mood and I was able to escape the wrath I feared.
What I learned:
Trying to save time can end up costing more time.
And that going in the opposite direction of where you want to go is seldom a good idea.
I can assure you I have not made the mistake of getting on the freeway going the wrong direction without a clear understanding of what my options were. However I have made this same mistake in judgement many times.
I have often been short-sighted-taking the “quick and easy way” only to have it yield more work and more time in the long run. I would rather jump into a project and figure it out as I go than make a detailed plan.
In my defense (excuse) I am not a natural planner. I don’t have that gene. My sister does, more about that here. I got the unstructured, think outside the box, no time for the mundane planning and filing and organizing gene. Who has time for that? I am busy getting things done. And often spinning my wheels. The hamster on the wheel that can’t see that she is going nowhere fast. But busy means important, right?
I can jump on an idea quickly and set out to implement it before thinking it through. I’m a doer not a planner. Hah! Just get on the freeway with the least traffic and hope for the best. Stopping to calculate the possible outcomes just wastes time. Hmmm
Add another project to my week-sure. Stop what I am working on to jump to something else more interesting-sure. “Somehow” I will get it all done.
Putting things off by being “too busy” and ending up spending more time. Case in point-I don’t like filing paperwork. I have more “urgent” and “important” things to do. Until I need to locate an important document asap. What would have taken me less than a minute to file now can take me an hour to sort through the piles of “someday”.
Accepting a job, a project before thinking of the long-range implications. Will this get me closer to what I really want or delay my getting it? An opportunity or a detour?
What example would you add? We all have them.
That Good Friday I I wasted precious time, gas, and peace of mind by thinking I could find a shortcut without properly thinking it through. As time went on and I made more mistakes and suffered the consequences I lost confidence in my ability to make decisions. I lost some of my natural fun-loving spontaneity. Life got too serious when I was afraid of making mistakes.
Where is the balance? Whether we are naturally organized and a planner or naturally spontaneous and unstructured we need to be aware of the pitfalls of overdoing our natural tendencies.
For me the challenge is creating and keeping some structure in my life-a loose schedule that is flexible to a point, while maintaining the non-negotiables. By creating and keeping good habits-that dreaded D word-Discipline. It’s worth the effort.
I need to make sure I take time to consider a new idea or direction. Count the cost and the benefit. What looks great at the beginning (new and shiny) may cost more than I am willing to give.
Resist the temptation to get bogged down in a decision. Realize every decision is a risk. After due diligence and prayer, if I decide to proceed, determine if I will cautiously move forward or full on. Is there a pivot plan and an exit strategy? This is a good deterrent to impulsive decision-making. It’s also needed reassurance when my best laid plans don’t work out.
For the planner the overdoing shows up in being too rigid and slow to change. The balance comes in keeping the door open to some spontaneity. Being able to leave the flexible items on your to-do list aside for an unplanned trip to the beach or a visit with a friend. Being open to those promptings from God to do something outside of your comfort zone
Building margin into your schedule for opportunities for fun or helping someone out
Being willing to consider new ideas
One of the biggest responsibilities we possess is how we will use our time. It is the one resource that is non-renewable. There will always be unexpected drains on it. If we work to maintain a balance of structure, good habits and flexibility we will gain more confidence, be more resilient, and more fun.
“Doing things right is efficiency
Doing the right things is effective”
If you liked this post please leave me a comment. What is your time-waster?
