This week I was reminded of watching my 4- year-old grandson and his team play hockey for the first time. These kids would skate as fast as they could toward the puck. They would fall down, get up and keep going. They would almost get their stick on the puck and someone from the other team would get there first. They would just regroup, change direction and start skating as fast as they could again for that puck.
Over and over.
No one quit, no one sat down and threw a tantrum, they just kept going. Sometimes a whole game would go by without them making contact with that elusive prize. It was just part of the game.
It struck me what a magnificent life lesson these kids are learning.
Resilience
So as we head into a new year, a look into this trait.
What resilience means
Why resilience matters
Barriers to resilience
Resilience can be learned and cultivated
What resilience means:
Resilience means the ability to recover from set backs and adapt to change. Our perspective is a key factor to being resilient.
Why it matters:
Without resiliency we can become easily defeated by obstacles and challenges. We waste precious time and energy getting to a rebound, if we do. Remember a time when you tried to bounce a very under-inflated ball? It landed with a thud, maybe a few small dribbles but it did not bounce back. Picture bouncing a well-inflated ball. It bounces right back. Now a super ball-those tiny balls that are made of super elastic stuff and will go much further than where they started. Aha! That is learning and growing stronger from life’s problems.
Barriers to Resilience
Unrealistic expectations
Of life-The message, “dream it and you can have it" has invaded our perspective. You can be whatever you want to be. That’s just not reality. Someone who is 4'8" will never make the NBA. A tone deaf person will never be an opera singer. Practice will bring improvement but natural abilities and physical limitations will keep them from excellence in those areas. Working toward what we are natually designed for is realistic. Anyone over 35 has learned that we don’t get whatever we want in life. And that’s usually a good thing, even if we don’t see it at the time.
Thinking we can have whatever we want sets us up for disappointment. And it blinds us to the good that we do have in our lives.
If we expect that life will be easy then problems will be much more difficult to navigate. If we accept the fact that there will always be challenges and that we can learn and grow from them we will be better equipped to handle the storms.
These 4 year-olds knew that the chances of them getting to strike that puck were small but it didn’t stop them from giving it all they had. If they had the expectation that everytime they skated toward the puck they would get to make a goal, or at least get to hit it, frustration would mount.
In relationships: A great deal of relational conflict is due to unmet expectations. These come from lack of communication about our expectations. When we are expecting the other to know our needs and our wants it causes blame when they aren't fulfilled. Expecting others to meet all of them is unrealistic. Expecting them to know what we know, remember what we remember, know what we are thinking is just silly. But we are all guilty of it!
As a result conversations, behaviors and actions can be misunderstood. Resiliency is having the emotional intelligence and grace to talk through conflicts, giving the other the benefit of the doubt. Being quick to forgive, quick to move on.
Comparing ourselves to others:
There will always be those who have more than us, right? Those more beautiful, happier, those with more likes, more friends. Comparing is such a joy stealer. Yet our minds can so naturally go to this place of always wanting what we don't have.
The kids didn’t stop on the ice and whine “how come he gets all the hits?”. They tried again and again, happy to be in the game.
Wanting more can spur us to be more productive in ways that will give us what we want- relationally, financially, professionally. When it becomes our constant way of thinking we create a goal that we will never achieve.
Contentment is a gift.
Learning and Cultivating Resilience
I like what Christopher Salem wrote, “Resilience is not just about bouncing back from adversity; it's a daily practice of building mental strength and viewing obstacles as opportunities for growth. Resilience is not an innate trait but rather a set of skills and behaviors that can be developed and strengthened over time. It involves a combination of mental, emotional, and social factors that work together to help individuals cope with difficulties and emerge stronger.”
It starts in the mind, choosing how we think. This will grow and change over time as we practice it. Our perspective is our choice. What we repeatedly choose becomes our default.
"Those who can’t change their minds can’t change anything." George Bernard Shaw
When we cultivate a mindset of gratitude, of seeing set-backs as opportunities to learn and grow we are mentally and emotionally stronger.
Choices we can start making today to become more resilient:
- Manage and communicate our expectations with grace
- Be quick to forgive ourselves and others-perfection is an illusion
- Practice an attitude of gratefulness
- Build self-care and joy into our days
I want to be a superball-rebounding much further than where I started, propelled by those inevitable smacks on the floor. How about you?
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