Growing up my older sister was 2 years older than me. (Amazingly she still is.) She was neat and tidy. Very organized. I, on the other hand was always going from one project to another leaving a trail behind me. During the years that we shared a bedroom (sorry, Sis) our mom drew a line down the middle of the room to help me keep my mess separate from her tidy.
As a kid I didn’t care, I had more important things to do. My unstructured mind was energized by creating something new, not at all interested in neatly folded sweaters and organized closets. As an adult, a wife and mother, being responsible for others beside myself, I recognized the benefits of being more organized. Of being able to find what I needed without a two-hour (or more) hunt for it. The more I realized where I wanted to be and that I wasn’t there the more I felt “not enough”. I always felt inferior to Sis. On a deeper level that “not enough” in comparison created some resentment and a hindrance to love.
This continued into much of my adult life. One day I concluded that she was just more disciplined.That she was so much better than I was because she developed and stuck to good habits. I needed to own that and do better. When I told her what I came up with her response was, “No, I just really enjoy organizing. I love the process.” That was a completely foreign idea to me.
Aha! So she is doing what she loves. I don’t love alphabetizing my spice cupboard. That doesn’t make me wrong, or her wrong. Just different.
It is amazing the destructive power of false guilt. And the freedom when we are released from it.
I didn’t beat myself up anymore comparing to her and others. As time went on and I dabbled in this area, I realized I liked the peace of a more organized life. Now it was my value, not anyone else’s. I wasn’t trying to change to be like her or like Marie Kondo, or anyone else. I was intentionally setting my own values and discovering ways to be true to them.
We are all designed with different strengths, skills and interests. They aren’t good or bad, just different to make us our own kind of beautiful. We are born with certain personality strengths and skills and to a certain extent our interests. We choose our values, intentionally or subconsciously.
Are you comparing yourself to someone else and coming up short? Are you trying to live someone else’s design or your own?
The best part of what I learned? I was free to love Sis and not compare and resent.
What do you think of when you think of grace? A graceful person perhaps? Someone who moves through life with ease?
As a young teen I grew quickly. My long legs became a constant challenge to me. My mother would say that walls bumped into me and that I could trip over threads in the carpet. I seemed to constantly have bruises and bumps. To remedy this my mom enrolled me in the "Wendy Ward Charm School".
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We are all familiar with the feeling of unforgiveness. That tightness when we think of that person. The hurt, anger, sadness that can ruin our moment, our day, our life.
We often misunderstand what forgiveness is. It's easy to think that if we choose to forgive we are telling ourselves that what they did wasn’t important and that the pain from the consequences doesn’t matter.
The Mayo Clinic published an insightful article on forgiveness:
“Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.”
When my sister and I were young our family lived in rural Ohio. Next door to us lived a family with a pony that we often visited to talk to, brush and feed. Almost daily we asked our parents for a pony of our own. One day our parents sat us down and asked us a loaded question. Would you rather have a pony or a baby brother?
That was a no-brainer-a pony! But alas, it was too late, my parents were counting on a different answer. Baby brother (good guess on their part) was already in the making.
I feel like this was a magnified state of what I often allow for my mind. Clutter. Procrastinations, feelings of guilt that I don’t address, anger that I nurse, the fears and doubts that I allow to simmer under the surface. All due to postponed decisions.
Like malware running in the background, robbing me of peace, stealing my joy. Mental clutter is an energy drain.
James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits says that “clarity is the elimination of mental clutter”.
