Is this a difficult season for you? Do you avoid conversations about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans and other holidays?
There is anticipation it seems everywhere, food, travel, family, loving gatherings with laughter and excitement from people who know they have a seat at the table. They are wanted and welcome.
But what if that isn’t you? Maybe you are separated from family by either geographical or emotional distance. Friends are gathering with family and you are on your own. It can be a time when loneliness is magnified by the gatherings of others. By the memories and expectations of the Holidays. Many are going through this.
We may not be able to change our circumstances but we can change our perspective and change the way we experience the circumstance.
Some thoughts that I hope will offer some help:
• Sadley, a good number of families gathering for the Holidays are gathering out of obligation. They dread being together. Celebrate your freedom to spend the Holiday as you like, free of obligation.
• Find a way to give, to be a comfort to someone else
• Seek out other singles to share a meal with
• Plan a special day for yourself-a day on the coast or in the mountains, make it your own non-traditional Holiday full of things you enjoy. Celebrate the goodness of the Holiday in a way that is special to you.
Next year could be very different. Look for the silver lining in the aloneness. Resist the voices that tell you that you are rejected, unwanted and unworthy. Remind yourself of Whose you are.
None of us made ourselves. You are God’s creation and he sees you in your pain. Choosing him means that there is always a seat at his table for you. With your name on it. You are desired and welcomed with open arms.
Find that place of being desired and cherished in his presence. Sit with him and allow his comfort to fall over you, his Spirit of love to fill you and give you peace. It is real and it is yours, it is your creator’s pleasure to give it to you.
Feel free to share this post, we never know who may be experiencing deeper loneliness at this time.
The 2024 election is over and most of the results are in. We have or we haven’t done what we deemed important to get our choices passed, our people elected. Some of us are happy with the results of the presidential pick and some are not. It is doubtful that any of us are happy with each choice that was made in this election.
What now? The divide that started long ago in our politics is even deeper in the aftermath. Let’s resist the temptation to blame one party, one candidate for this. Both sides are guilty. And we are guilty. How so?
While opinions and often strong ones are a sign of caring about issues, about what is right and good and being passionate about what we believe, when we shift from a stance of thinking of someone as having different opinions to regarding them as a bad person and writing them off- that’s where the division comes in. And we “cut off our nose to spite our face”.
The motto of our founding fathers-E pluribus Unum-out of many, one. Unity in diversity.
America is a country of very diverse people, most of whom love their families, help their neighbors and the stranger and want to live freely and prosperously. We can learn from our differing opinions and find solutions in maintaining connection and respect.
With the divisiveness and anger and insults that have bombarded us it has been easy to get caught up in it. Blaming, criticizing sometimes even hatred. Fear of the consequences if our candidates didn’t win . These emotions, even on a small scale effect our mental and emotional well-being.
Some things to consider. Before we distance ourselves from someone based soley on their political choices, can we try being curious? Why do they think the way they do? They may have reasons that will surprise us.
We listen to different news and we hear different things. Different information that is presented as truth. Without fact checking we can and do believe lies. On both sides.
And we hear the same things differently. What you hear as A I may hear as M or Z. It’s not intentional but often just different ways we associate words and meanings.
Some suggestions:
• Be curious, ask questions to get understanding. Not to make or win an argument.
• Be kind, be generous
• Fact check to separate the truth from the lies.
• Stand for what we believe is right while respecting others’ opinions
• Resist the temptation to demonize those who disagree with us
• Ask yourself, “Is it more important for me to win an argument or to maintain relationship?”
• Hatred begets hatred. Kindness and generosity begets the same.
Braver Angels is an organization that started in 2016 with a handful of people who were troubled by the political divide that was happening. Today they have grown to thousands of volunteers across the country working to bridge the divide through workshops, training, newsletters and more. Their mission is worth including here
"The Braver Angels Way
We state our views freely and fully, without fear.
We treat people who disagree with us with honesty, dignity and respect.
We welcome opportunities to engage those with whom we disagree.
We believe all of us have blind spots and none of us are not worth talking to.
We seek to disagree accurately, avoiding exaggeration and stereotypes.
We look for common ground where it exists and, if possible, find ways to work together.
We believe that, in disagreements, both sides share and learn.
In Braver Angels, neither side is teaching the other or giving feedback on how to think or say things differently."
The Holidays are coming with opportunities to share a table with family and friends that we don’t agree with. Braver Angels has great tips for civility in relationships in the midst of disagreement. On their website are links to their podcasts, workshops, newsletters and more.
We have real enemies and it’s not each other. We need differing opinions-in our relationships and in our government. We can learn and grow from those with different thoughts. Are there real dangers lurking? Yes. But we need to see clearly, not through exaggeration, not trying to prove others wrong.
We can’t always change government leaders or laws or how policies effect us. But we can choose how we think about each other. By choosing grace and curiosity over judgement, prioritizing connection over division and hope over fear we care for our own mental health and that of others.
As we process the effects of the election and head into the holidays there are many stressors that can effect our mental health. If you would like to work with me one on one I am offering special discounted pricing for a 3-session package the rest of November and December.
I have a confession to make. I think time will wait for me. Yes, completely irrational. I look at the clock, and see that I have 10 minutes left to get ready to head out to make my appointment on time. As I complete preparations somehow I think the clock is still at 10 minutes ‘til. Absurd. Time is waiting for me, right? When I am ready then it will be time to go. And the clock and all of life will fall into line for me.
Never happens to you? Hmmm How often are you late? How often do you take on more than you can possibly do in the allotted time? Maybe you procrastinate and put things off until “someday”, fooling yourself into actually thinking you will get to it.
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In my defense (excuse) I am not a natural planner. I don’t have that gene. My sister does, more about that here. I got the unstructured, think outside the box, no time for the mundane planning and filing and organizing gene. Who has time for that? I am busy getting things done. And often spinning my wheels. The hamster on the wheel that can’t see that she is going nowhere fast. But busy means important, right?
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Growing up my older sister was 2 years older than me. (Amazingly she still is.) She was neat and tidy. Very organized. I, on the other hand was always going from one project to another leaving a trail behind me. During the years that we shared a bedroom (sorry, Sis) our mom drew a line down the middle of the room to help me keep my mess separate from her tidy.
As a kid I didn’t care, I had more important things to do. My unstructured mind was energized by creating something new, not at all interested in neatly folded sweaters and organized closets. As an adult, a wife and mother, being responsible for others beside myself, I recognized the benefits of being more organized. Of being able to find what I needed without a two-hour (or more) hunt for it. The more I realized where I wanted to be and that I wasn’t there the more I felt “not enough”. I always felt inferior to Sis. On a deeper level that “not enough” in comparison created some resentment and a hindrance to love.
This continued into much of my adult life. One day I concluded that she was just more disciplined.That she was so much better than I was because she developed and stuck to good habits. I needed to own that and do better. When I told her what I came up with her response was, “No, I just really enjoy organizing. I love the process.” That was a completely foreign idea to me.
Aha! So she is doing what she loves. I don’t love alphabetizing my spice cupboard. That doesn’t make me wrong, or her wrong. Just different.
It is amazing the destructive power of false guilt. And the freedom when we are released from it.
I didn’t beat myself up anymore comparing to her and others. As time went on and I dabbled in this area, I realized I liked the peace of a more organized life. Now it was my value, not anyone else’s. I wasn’t trying to change to be like her or like Marie Kondo, or anyone else. I was intentionally setting my own values and discovering ways to be true to them.
We are all designed with different strengths, skills and interests. They aren’t good or bad, just different to make us our own kind of beautiful. We are born with certain personality strengths and skills and to a certain extent our interests. We choose our values, intentionally or subconsciously.
Are you comparing yourself to someone else and coming up short? Are you trying to live someone else’s design or your own?
The best part of what I learned? I was free to love Sis and not compare and resent.
