When my first grandson was very young I used to read to him out of the Winnie the Pooh’s Storybook Collection. When he learned to read he read it himself, once the whole book at one sitting at my house.
It is a book about how to be a friend, told in subtle sweet ways. If you haven’t read it I highly recommend it. Or most anything Winnie the Pooh.
We can all use reminders and instructions on how to be a friend. In fact how to be in relationships period. Where did we learn about relationship? Where and from whom did you learn?
Free tip sheet-3 strategies to use now-available here: https://lindagall.org/
Sadly a lot of our learning has been trial and error. When we learn by what didn't work it’s a really expensive way to learn. We hurt others, we get hurt and we lose valuable relationships.
We also tend to become more protective of ourselves when we have been hurt by others. It becomes harder to let people in, to risk closeness. And that not only hurts us but it deprives others of the value we can add to their lives.
We are living in a time of rampant loneliness. You want a social life with friends. But surface “friendships”, distracted conversations and insecurities are growing due to social media, the years of distance through Covid, and the unrealistic expectations to have it all together. We are lacking the deep connections we so desperately need to thrive. Compound that by the sense that we are the only ones and that there is something wrong with us. This creates a perfect storm for attacks on our mental health.
We develop and grow in community. Choosing that community wisely is important to who we become. It has been said that we become like the 5 people we spend the most time with.
How to choose friends
Where and how are you making friends? Sometimes we default to whoever wants to spend time with us, letting friendships happen to us, not ones we choose. We can find ourselves in relationships that aren’t in line with who we are. They are not life-giving, but life-draining.
Ask yourself-what do you want in a friend? What traits?
Do you want someone:
- With a positive and grateful outlook or someone who focuses on the negative
- Who supports and encourages others or someone critical and belittling of others
- Willing to give as well as take from the friendship or lopsided expectations
- Who listens as well as talks or a monopolizer of conversations
What are yours? Thinking through these questions and more, and knowing what you value in a relationship will help you to be intentional in your friendships.
Then ask yourself, are you willing to be that friend to others?
Where to find friends
Start somewhere. Get involved in different activities. Not just what you like, try something new. In person, face to face getting to know someone. Initiate get togethers to get to know people one on one. We have to put ourselves out there.
Rejection hurts, but so does isolation. With rejection we have the power to shake off and move on and try again. Too much isolation slowly diminishes us-mentally, emotionally and physically.
Putting in the effort
We have become lazy. The lure of instant gratification has conditioned us. If I want something I can have it delivered in less than 2 hours. No money to buy it? Charge it. I don’t feel like cooking-order take out. I don’t feel like getting dressed up for work-work remotely. I don’t like my co-worker, it’s time to change jobs.
The list goes on. In moderation and in certain circumstances all of these are good. But when we get lulled into a stupor of expecting easy we are the frog that doesn’t realize the water he is in is getting hotter and hotter until it is too late
We have bit by bit cut ourselves off from the very thing we desperately need. Others.
With this fast and easy mentality it becomes natural to walk away from relationships when they get difficult. ”Cancelling” is tearing apart marriages and families and good solid friendships. We as individuals and a society are losing so much. Often our children are caught in the crossfire.
Some relationships are toxic and we do well to limit time with those people. But what if we are the problem? Are we twisting what they say and do to create the toxicity? Are we really seeing others as they are? Are we trying to find common ground and give each other the benefit of the doubt? Are we willing to have the difficult conversations that can give us the clarity to find a compatible way forward?
If we live our lives with the priority of being comfortable, of avoiding unpleasant circumstances we set ourselves up for failure. We expect from others what we are unwilling to give. And we are making it impossible to develop meaningful relationships.
Not everyone will do what a real friendship requires. But for those who do and stick with it the rewards are well worth it.
There are some tools that are very helpful in navigating our different relationships. A few of them are included in my free Tip Sheet available here: https://lindagall.org/
If you would like some one-on-one coaching conversations regarding relationships please reach out and book a discovery call with me. I look forward to talking with you.
If something in this post spoke to you, and if you have other tips to share, please leave a comment.
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