Years ago my sister and her husband were in California visiting my Mom. She had recently dealt with some health problems and was doing better. One day it was given to my mom and my brother-in-law to do some grocery shopping. As they started down the chips aisle my mom stopped the cart at the Doritos. She grabbed a bag off of the shelf, put it in the shopping cart while saying, “I really shouldn’t be eating these”. My brother-in-law, the no-nonsense person that he was said, “Okay,” put them back on the shelf and started pushing the cart down the aisle, leaving my mom dumbfounded.
Although I don’t recommend this type of “intervention” in most cases, (and certainly not with your mother-in-law) it was powerful and it made my Mom think twice. Most certainly about using that phrase in front of him!
I have wondered, what if whenever we say or even have the thought, “I really should” we were instantly doing the “should”. Say we are in our comfy pjs in front of the screen thinking, “I should go work out” and instantly we were in the gym, fuzzy slippers and all.
Or…
“I am so mad at my boss, I should just march into his office and let him have it…” and there you are.
Or…
“My parents really want me to be a doctor, so I should go pre-med." And suddenly you are in a class that is why over your head, not at all interested and struggling.
We would certainly become more aware of our thoughts and words.
Actually “I should” is one of the most dangerous phrases we say or think.
Our shoulds shape the way we think about ourselves. Why? Every should that we accept is something that we either do or we don't do. When we do we have a positive image of ourselves. When we don't we feel guilt. And there is no way we can live up to all of our shoulds. The result is we are always losing. We can’t win. We may be doing 9 of our shoulds and that 1 haunts us and 4 more jump onboard.
The reason we can’t live up to all of our shoulds is because most of them are invalid. They aren’t real. They aren’t meant for us. And yet we carry them around as if they were.
Responsibility, commitment, valid duty is a good thing. They are guardrails and boundaries that serve us well. They help to define us.
The problem with shoulds is two-fold.
- When we don’t listen to and accomplish the valid should
- When we adopt as our own the shoulds that others put on us.
Where do your shoulds come from?. The ones that you actually live by? Do you have a ready why for doing them?
You should brush your teeth. Why? Well your parents taught you that you should. Okay, that was their should. Now maybe (I hope) you choose to do this because you don’t like the consequences if you don’t. So that’s your valid should and your why.
It is easy to put a why to these shoulds:
- When the car is out of gas, I should put gas in it
- I should pay my bills.
- I should feed my dog.
We can put a why to these, and the why is important.
“I should be a size 4 and look put together all the time?” Not so much for me. It would be nice, yet I can't find enough strong whys to make this my should!
But I have been guilty of staying at a job way too long, of saying "yes" to requests when I "shouldn't" have and compromising my values because of false "shoulds".
Some people grow up with heavy burdens because of the shoulds (real or perceived) that their parents put on them, most often wanting to help them. Some come from our peers, from social media, from what is accepted and praised. These are some of them that have haunted my clients:
The should was:
- To always be striving, to be perfect
- To go into a particular career
- To be a perfect parent to their kids
- To make a certain amount of money
- To attain a certain status
- To dress, talk in certain ways
- To accomplish certain things
What are yours?
We all walk around with shoulds in our heads. The worst thing we can do is ignore them. They lurk around undetected and we wonder why we feel guilty, bad, like we aren’t enough. It robs us of joy. It causes anxiety and depression.
Here is an exercise you can do to get freedom from the shoulds.
- Make a list of all of them that you hear in your mind. All of them. Look at each one and ask the why? Where does that should come from? Is it valid? Is it something you really should be doing?
If it isn’t, cross it out. When it tries to pop into your mind get rid of it. It isn’t serving you and you can control what you think about and what you accept as true. Say out loud what the truth is. The more you do this the less they will have a grip on you.
If the should is valid, commit to making it happen and make a plan that you can follow through with. Don’t settle for living with the guilt.
- Get really clear on your why
- Imagine how you will feel when you do this
- Make a plan
- Get accountability-a friend, work with a coach, take whatever actions you need to.
Check in
Get in the habit of checking in often with your thoughts and emotions. You will get better at recognizing and stopping the false shoulds.
We can all use someone like my brother-in-law in our lives to challenge our “I should, but…” Peace with ourselves is worth it. Liking the person in the mirror is worth it. The extra energy and lightness we gain is worth it. And it’s possible.
What would it feel like to quickly recognize the false shoulds in your life and eliminate them-Gone?!
Imagine facing each valid should and making it happen. Not perfectly and often one step at a time. Lifelong learning and growth is a process. But you are making it a priority and you are doing it. Not hiding, not running, not denying. That’s a win and it will grow.
The Holidays can be particularly heavy with living up to others’ expectations of us. It can make this season anxiety-filled instead of joy-filled. Would you like to join me with others who are familiar with this dynamic to get coaching and support?
Special 4 week session
I am offering a 4 week group session starting November 17th. It will be a time to learn best strategies with others and practice living your own shoulds. I am offering 2 separate times for these zoom meetings. Each one will be limited to 4 participants, so sign up early.
4 Mondays starting 11/17 at 7:00 PM
4 Tuesdays starting 11/18 at 12:00
I am also offering 1:1 sessions for the 4-week series
Sign up HERE
Learn how to recognize, face and eliminate guilt in your life. Experience more freedom and joy.
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