What is on your list? Did you make one? Have you found it pointless? You are not alone.
The beginning of the year can be a fresh start, an opportunity to make some desired changes. A time to remember when you put a stake in the ground and declared a new beginning, the start of a new habit, a better way of thinking, of acting, a move toward better. New hopes and possibilities.
Do you find that with the hope for these changes there is also some underlying doubt? Will you follow through? Can you really do it? Are you strong enough, disciplined enough, committed enough? There is that memory of the last change you tried and how it ended.
As the years go by it can become more difficult to believe in our follow-through. It seems best to give up on making New Year’s or any resolutions. Trying to change anything, make plans and set goals can appear out of reach. Considering real changes are reminders of the times you tried and failed.
Maybe you make resolutions every year without follow-through. It has seemed harmless to make starts and stops, to walk away from the resolutions and settle for the status quo. Oh well, no harm done, right?
Wrong.
A resolution is a commitment you make to your brain, like any commitment or promise you make to yourself. Most of us are careful and serious about commitments we make to others, but how about those we make to ourselves? There are consequences when we repeatedly break our word to another person-failed relationships, lack of trust, loss of job, etc. What about the promises we break to ourselves?
When we do keep a commitment we made to ourselves we are teaching our brain that we can trust ourselves to follow through. We think of ourselves as a trustworthy person, we respect ourselves, we feel good. It builds our confidence in who we are as a person. As we continue to do this in different ways that positive sense of self grows.
When we don’t follow through we teach our brains the opposite. We lose respect, just as we would with someone who didn’t keep their commitments to us. The more this happens the more ingrained it becomes that we are unreliable, not trustworthy and we don’t like ourselves. It gets harder to believe ourselves.
Positive affirmations have a benefit as reminders of what is true about us. But It doesn’t matter how many sticky notes you have on your mirror, how often you repeat the mantra that you are trustworthy, that you keep your word, that you are exactly who you need to be…If it isn’t true our brain will resist it-at least at first. What a tragedy when we have manipulated our brain to believe our lies.
So what happens the next time we make a promise to ourselves? We don’t believe it. If we don’t believe it how likely are we to follow through with it? We have set ourselves up for failure. As soon as we make it we know we won’t follow through. So it’s no wonder a few days or weeks in we abandon it. We “knew” we would. We have become stuck in a familiar rut.
The good news is this trajectory can be reversed. It will take more effort and diligence to start turning this around, but we can do it. The study of neuroplasticity reveals amazing insights into how the brain makes new connections.
“Neuroplasticity speaks to the flexibility and adaptability of our brain throughout our life,” explains Dr. Tworek. “It’s how we grow as people.”
The awesome and scary and empowering reality is that under normal circumstances we are in control of what, of who we become. What we repeatedly do and think determines who we become. Are your thoughts and actions consistent with who you want to be?
So considering the high stakes of consistently failing to follow through on our promises to ourselves, how can we up our chances of success?
Atomic Habits by James Clear has great strategies for creating sustainable change.
Here are a few tips from my own research and experience:
Start small. One or two changes at a time. Think each one through carefully.
• How will making this change benefit you and others? This is your motivation.
• What will making this change involve?
• What steps do you need to put in place to make it happen?
• What obstacles do you need to plan for?
• Make sure your steps are reasonable and sustainable.
Record and celebrate your wins. Track the times when you didn’t follow through.
• What prevented the follow-through?
• How can you avoid that situation in the future? Plan for it, then get back on track.
• Forgive yourself and keep going. Avoid letting an attitude of defeat take you down.
• When it gets hard remember your why
• Get an accountability partner, hire a life coach to support you through the change, create a group to work on changes together.
In what way will you grow in 2025? Will you grow in the direction of who you want to be? Or will you grow deeper in the habits and ways of thinking that are not serving you and others well?
“If you do not actively choose a better way, then society, culture, and the general inertia of life will push you into a worse way. The default is distraction, not improvement.” James Clear
We have been given the raw materials. What will we do with them? Let’s choose well and believe in the person that we can become.
I am available to help you get started and support you through change.
Wishing you peace with yourself in the New Year,
Linda
The 2024 election is over and most of the results are in. We have or we haven’t done what we deemed important to get our choices passed, our people elected. Some of us are happy with the results of the presidential pick and some are not. It is doubtful that any of us are happy with each choice that was made in this election.
What now? The divide that started long ago in our politics is even deeper in the aftermath. Let’s resist the temptation to blame one party, one candidate for this. Both sides are guilty. And we are guilty. How so?
While opinions and often strong ones are a sign of caring about issues, about what is right and good and being passionate about what we believe, when we shift from a stance of thinking of someone as having different opinions to regarding them as a bad person and writing them off- that’s where the division comes in. And we “cut off our nose to spite our face”.
The motto of our founding fathers-E pluribus Unum-out of many, one. Unity in diversity.
America is a country of very diverse people, most of whom love their families, help their neighbors and the stranger and want to live freely and prosperously. We can learn from our differing opinions and find solutions in maintaining connection and respect.
With the divisiveness and anger and insults that have bombarded us it has been easy to get caught up in it. Blaming, criticizing sometimes even hatred. Fear of the consequences if our candidates didn’t win . These emotions, even on a small scale effect our mental and emotional well-being.
Some things to consider. Before we distance ourselves from someone based soley on their political choices, can we try being curious? Why do they think the way they do? They may have reasons that will surprise us.
We listen to different news and we hear different things. Different information that is presented as truth. Without fact checking we can and do believe lies. On both sides.
And we hear the same things differently. What you hear as A I may hear as M or Z. It’s not intentional but often just different ways we associate words and meanings.
Some suggestions:
• Be curious, ask questions to get understanding. Not to make or win an argument.
• Be kind, be generous
• Fact check to separate the truth from the lies.
• Stand for what we believe is right while respecting others’ opinions
• Resist the temptation to demonize those who disagree with us
• Ask yourself, “Is it more important for me to win an argument or to maintain relationship?”
• Hatred begets hatred. Kindness and generosity begets the same.
Braver Angels is an organization that started in 2016 with a handful of people who were troubled by the political divide that was happening. Today they have grown to thousands of volunteers across the country working to bridge the divide through workshops, training, newsletters and more. Their mission is worth including here
"The Braver Angels Way
We state our views freely and fully, without fear.
We treat people who disagree with us with honesty, dignity and respect.
We welcome opportunities to engage those with whom we disagree.
We believe all of us have blind spots and none of us are not worth talking to.
We seek to disagree accurately, avoiding exaggeration and stereotypes.
We look for common ground where it exists and, if possible, find ways to work together.
We believe that, in disagreements, both sides share and learn.
In Braver Angels, neither side is teaching the other or giving feedback on how to think or say things differently."
The Holidays are coming with opportunities to share a table with family and friends that we don’t agree with. Braver Angels has great tips for civility in relationships in the midst of disagreement. On their website are links to their podcasts, workshops, newsletters and more.
We have real enemies and it’s not each other. We need differing opinions-in our relationships and in our government. We can learn and grow from those with different thoughts. Are there real dangers lurking? Yes. But we need to see clearly, not through exaggeration, not trying to prove others wrong.
We can’t always change government leaders or laws or how policies effect us. But we can choose how we think about each other. By choosing grace and curiosity over judgement, prioritizing connection over division and hope over fear we care for our own mental health and that of others.
As we process the effects of the election and head into the holidays there are many stressors that can effect our mental health. If you would like to work with me one on one I am offering special discounted pricing for a 3-session package the rest of November and December.
